first real entry

Last week, 11/17/25 specifically, I noticed that I was having a hard time with concentration and thoughts due to an increased ringing in my ears. I don't want to use this moment to analyze the details of that medical journey and the particular long term health implications. I do want to document what I believe to be an effective approach to my treatment that focuses more intently on mental health, with physical health as a key but secondary component of my daily lifestyle. Over the course of the past month, I lost 12 pounds unintentionally and was down to 141 or less. On crash day I asked Stephanie for help and we got what we needed at a combination of hospitals and doctors. Spiraling thoughts about my condition were leading to an impossible feeling of loss and hopelessness. I’m glad I can talk about it now. It's clear that I've been experiencing intense anxiety at times. I see this in hindsight as a results of sleep deprivation, steroid dependency, caffeine misuse, an overdrive for work achievement and promotion, and foolish running practices. In october i ran 20+ mile runs in back to back weeks, including a 28 mile unplanned unsupported marathon shortly before the crash. Before I left work for break, I was juggling several dozen topics and spending 5-10 minutes on each before pivoting. I could not hold a thought. My doctor gave my Buspirone. It’s having a very specific effect on me, somewhat changing the way my brain is processing and filing information. I’ve been taking 15mg 3x a day mostly. I can suddenly hold a thought much longer (case in point this project), and also making me very conscious of these thought processes. I’m not are what this will develop into, since I am still having enough physical ailments to be concerned about my overall well-being. But again, this clarity is a statement on how I was operating a few weeks ago: haphazard, scattered, autopilot. So here I am. Organizing my thoughts, my files and my life. Not just to be organized, but also to have some personal purpose. Staying busy feels good in the face of discomfort.

Last week scared me. The tinnitus spike hit hard, and suddenly I couldn’t hold a thought. My brain kept slipping away from me. I don’t want to get lost in medical details right now, but I do want to name what finally feels true: I need to protect my mind first. My body matters, but my mental health is the foundation I ignored. I dropped twelve pounds without meaning to. I was in the low 140s before I realized how bad it had gotten. On the day everything crashed, I asked Stephanie for help. I’m glad I did. The two of us bounced through hospitals and specialists until something finally gave me a sense of stability. Before that, my thoughts were spiraling into hopeless places. It didn’t feel like fear — it felt like losing myself. Now that I’m looking back, the signs were obvious. I was running on anxiety and pretending it was ambition. I wasn’t sleeping well. I stayed on steroids too long. I used caffeine like fuel. I pushed for promotions and overachievement at a pace that didn’t make sense. And I kept running like the rules didn’t apply to me — 20-mile weekends, back-to-back long runs, even that spontaneous 28-mile marathon in October. I acted like I was fine because I could still hit the miles. Work was the same pattern. Dozens of topics, jumping every five minutes, never landing long enough to think. I wasn’t working. I was reacting. My brain had no grip. Buspirone changed something. Fifteen milligrams three times a day, and suddenly I can stay with a thought. I can follow an idea instead of losing it in noise. I feel how my brain is filing things differently. It’s strange, but it’s also a relief. I don’t know how this will develop, especially with the physical symptoms still hanging over me, but the clarity itself tells me how far gone I was a few weeks ago. I was scattered, automatic, and running on fumes. So now I’m here, building this site and organizing my files and thoughts. Not because I need to be more organized, but because I need purpose. I need something to hold onto that isn’t fear. Staying busy helps when my body feels wrong, but this time I’m choosing the work instead of letting it choose me.